By Dean Rasmussen
The Question That Changed Everything
In March 2017, the woman I was dating asked me a simple question: “Are you trans?”
I immediately said NO out loud. But in my head? My thoughts were screaming, “I am totally trans!”
This was the first time as an adult that I realized and accepted that I was transgender. Over four decades earlier I was assigned female at birth (AFAB), but that identity never truly fit me.
What I didn’t know then was that this moment of truth would become the foundation of everything I now teach about living authentically — and it’s exactly the kind of moment that Positive Intelligence (PQ) coaching was built for.
Wrestling With Fear and Uncertainty
At that time, I wasn’t planning to transition. Fear of the unknown paralyzed me:
• What would this mean for my kids?
• I’m a mom — if I’m not a mom, who am I?
• With my lifelong struggle with self-worth, how would anyone love me if I revealed my true gender?
• Having trauma around men, I feared becoming one of “those men.”
The unknowns seemed endless and not worth the risk.
Does this sound familiar? Maybe not about gender identity, but about making a big life change? The questions might sound like: “If I leave this relationship, who will I be?” “If I change careers, will I lose everything I’ve built?” “If I show who I really am, will I be rejected?”
The paralysis is the same.
In PQ coaching, we call these voices Saboteurs — the internal mental patterns that masquerade as logic and caution, but are really fear dressed up in reasonable clothing. My loudest Saboteur back then was my Avoider: endlessly postponing the hard truth, hoping the discomfort would eventually just… go away. It didn’t.
My Gender Demanded Recognition
But the more I tried to ignore it, the more impossible it became.
In August 2017, I received coaching from a non-binary transmasculine person. They helped me work through being both a mom and a guy, encouraging me to seek out healthy, positive single dads, stay-at-home dads, and gay dads as models.
This work transformed my perspective. I realized I would forever be the same parent I’ve always been, even if my title changed. Now my kids call me “Ren,” a commonly used term for parent.
The Life Lesson: How many of us believe we have to choose between who we really are and the roles we play? Between being authentic and being loved? Between honoring our truth and keeping the peace?
You don’t. But making peace with that truth requires the kind of inner work most people avoid.
This is where PQ coaching changes the game. PQ gives us a way to name and weaken the Saboteur patterns that keep us stuck — and to intentionally activate what the framework calls the Sage: the wiser part of you that can see possibility instead of only threat. The part that knew, even when I was saying “NO” out loud, that I was totally trans.
Finding Clarity Through Confusion
I wavered for another year before finally admitting to myself and my family that I wanted to start testosterone injections.
During that time, uncertainty lingered. Part of me wondered if working through my childhood sexual abuse trauma would “fix” me so I could love myself as I was. I desperately wanted to separate my issues into two boxes: “because I’m trans” and “because I was sexually abused.” Unfortunately, most issues fit into both boxes — a tangled knot of identity and trauma.
Here’s what I learned: We spend so much energy trying to untangle our complexity, believing that clarity means simplicity. But the real breakthrough comes when we accept that we are integrations of all our experiences — and that’s where our power lives.
Your life challenges aren’t separate from each other. Your breakthrough in one area creates breakthrough in all areas.
PQ coaching taught me that this tangled complexity isn’t a problem to solve — it’s a human experience to be with. The Sage perspective doesn’t demand that everything make sense before you can move forward. It helps you find the gift and opportunity even in confusion.
Trusting My Inner Voice
Eventually, I made the decision to take testosterone the same way I make every important choice: I listened to myself and trusted my intuition.
Although my life’s path has been full of twists and turns, I’ve never regretted decisions made by relying on my intuition. Over six years of testosterone injections, I haven’t experienced a single moment of uncertainty since taking that leap.
This is the skill that changes everything.
Not the ability to make perfect decisions, but the ability to trust yourself enough to make aligned ones.
In PQ terms, this is what it means to operate from Sage rather than Saboteur. My Sage knew the truth long before I let myself say it out loud. Learning to hear that voice — and trust it over the noise of the Avoider, the Pleaser, and every other internal critic — is exactly the work I now support my clients through.
The Inner Work That Transforms Lives
My gender journey taught me something profound: the stories we tell ourselves shape everything.
For years, I carried narratives that kept me small:
• “I’m not worthy of love as my true self”
• “I can’t be both a good parent and transgender”
• “My trauma defines my limitations”
Sound familiar? These same patterns show up in every area of life:
• “I’m not ready for what I really want”
• “I don’t deserve to be happy”
• “My past mistakes mean I can’t have a different future”
• “If people really knew me, they wouldn’t accept me”
In PQ coaching, these are the voices of our Saboteurs. Mine were the Pleaser (earning love and safety by shrinking myself to fit others’ expectations) and the Avoider (staying quiet about what was true to avoid conflict and discomfort). I know both intimately — and I know how convincing they sound when they’re running the show.
The voice that says “I should just be grateful for what I have” is often the Pleaser keeping you from wanting more. The fear of being truly seen — whether as transgender, as someone making a major life change, or simply as someone with needs and desires — is often the Avoider calling the shots.
What PQ Coaching Actually Does
Positive Intelligence is a research-backed framework developed by Shirzad Chamine. It identifies the mental patterns — Saboteurs — that undermine our wellbeing and performance, and builds the mental fitness to operate from our wiser Sage mind instead.
For the trans and queer community, this matters in a specific way: we’ve often had to develop extraordinary mental and emotional resilience just to survive in spaces that weren’t built for us. That’s real strength. But we can also carry Saboteur patterns — hypervigilance, people-pleasing, avoidance, self-criticism — that made sense as survival strategies and now hold us back from fully thriving.
PQ coaching doesn’t pathologize any of that. It names it, works with it, and helps you build new neural pathways that make it easier to access calm, clarity, creativity, and self-trust — especially when things are hard.
The three core shifts PQ supports:
Instead of fighting or being controlled by your inner critic, you learn to recognize it. Name it. See it clearly. When I finally understood that my Avoider wasn’t protecting me — it was keeping me from my own life — everything shifted.
2. Intercepting the Saboteur in Real Time
PQ builds a specific skill called PQ Reps — brief mental fitness practices that interrupt Saboteur patterns and shift you back to Sage. These aren’t affirmations. They’re evidence-based techniques rooted in neuroscience that actually change how your brain responds under pressure.
3. Activating Your Sage Perspective
Your Sage has five powers: empathy, exploration, innovation, navigation, and decisive action. Learning to access these — especially when you’re in the middle of something hard — is what makes the difference between being stuck in fear and moving forward from truth.
The Three Shifts That Change Everything
Through my own journey and years of coaching people through theirs, I’ve identified three critical shifts — and PQ gives us the tools to actually make them:
1. From Performance to Presence
Stop asking “Am I doing this right?” and start asking “Am I being true to myself?”
When I was hiding my gender identity, I spent enormous energy managing how people perceived me. The Pleaser Saboteur was in full control. PQ coaching helps you recognize that performance and presence can’t coexist — and gives you a way back to yourself.
2. From External Validation to Internal Navigation
Stop seeking permission and start trusting your knowing.
The moment I stopped waiting for others to validate my identity was the moment I became free. PQ coaching builds the mental fitness for this — not just the insight that external validation is a trap, but the actual capacity to trust your own Sage when it speaks.
3. From Either/Or to Both/And
Stop believing you have to choose between seemingly opposing truths.
I can be transgender and a great parent. You can want stability and want change. You can be afraid and brave. This is one of the Sage’s core powers: the ability to hold complexity without needing to collapse it into something simpler.
What This Means for Your Life
If you’re reading this and feeling that tug of recognition — that sense that you too are ready to stop hiding parts of yourself, stop playing small, stop living from fear instead of truth — then you’re ready for this work.
Whether you’re navigating identity, questioning the path you’re on, feeling stuck in patterns that no longer serve you, dealing with past trauma, or simply knowing there’s a more authentic way to live — this work is for you.
Authentic living isn’t about being fearless. It’s about being real.
And it’s the work of:
• Identifying the Saboteurs driving your most stuck patterns
• Building mental fitness to intercept them before they take over
• Activating the Sage perspective that can see possibility where your Saboteurs only see threat
• Learning to trust yourself — not because someone told you to, but because you’ve built the internal foundation for it
Ready to Do Your Own Inner Work?
I work with people who are ready to:
✓ Identify and weaken the Saboteur patterns that keep them playing small and living from fear
✓ Build mental fitness through PQ coaching — evidence-based practices that create lasting change
✓ Navigate difficult life transitions with confidence and clarity: career changes, relationship shifts, identity evolution, healing from trauma
✓ Build authentic relationships where you don’t have to hide parts of yourself to be loved and accepted
✓ Develop self-trust so you can navigate uncertainty without losing yourself
✓ Operate from Sage — making decisions aligned with who you actually are, not who your Saboteurs say you should be
The same intuition that guided me through my gender transition guides my coaching approach: deep listening, radical acceptance, and the courage to question everything — including the inner voices that sound the most convincing.
Let’s Connect
Book a Free Consultation– Let’s explore how doing your inner work can transform your life. In 60 minutes, we’ll get clear on what’s holding you back and whether coaching with me is the right next step.
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“The same courage it takes to live authentically is the courage it takes to create the life you actually want. Both require you to trust your inner voice over external expectations.”
— Dean Rasmussen
About Dean: I’m a life coach, consultant, and guide for people who are ready to do the inner work that creates outer transformation. My own journey through gender transition, trauma healing, and finding authentic voice taught me that the most fulfilling life comes from the inside out. I work with individuals navigating major life transitions, healing from trauma, questioning their path, and ready to live from truth instead of fear.
Ready to begin? Your transformation starts with a conversation.
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