And how to find out which one is running the show
I used to think I was just being a good person.
Saying yes when I wanted to say no. Making sure everyone around me was comfortable, even when I wasn’t. Avoiding hard conversations because — well, why stir things up if things seem fine?
Turns out, I wasn’t just “being nice.” I was being managed. By two very convincing internal voices that had convinced me they were keeping me safe.
My top saboteurs are the Pleaser and the Avoider. And until I had names for them, I had no idea how much real estate they were taking up in my head — or how much they were quietly shaping my decisions, my relationships, and my sense of what was even possible for me.
What Is a Saboteur, Exactly?
In Positive Intelligence (PQ) coaching, saboteurs are the mental patterns that developed early in life to help you cope, survive, or fit in. At the time? They were genuinely useful. They helped you navigate.
But somewhere along the way, they overstayed their welcome.
Now they show up as:
- The inner critic that shoots down your ideas before they even leave your mouth
- The part of you that puts everyone else’s needs before your own — and then quietly resents it
- The perfectionist who won’t start anything unless it can be done flawlessly
- The voice that says it’s fine, let it go, don’t make it a thing
There are ten named saboteurs in the PQ framework. Most people have one or two that dominate — but they don’t usually know which ones until they look.
Why This Matters for Queer and Trans People Specifically
Here’s something I think about a lot: when you’ve spent years in environments where you had to mask, adapt, or read a room just to feel safe — your saboteurs got extra practice.
The Avoider learned that conflict was dangerous. The Pleaser learned that being liked was armor. The Controller learned that if you didn’t manage things carefully, they could go sideways fast.
Those patterns weren’t weakness. They were intelligence. They were survival.
But you’re not in that same room anymore. And those patterns — the ones that once protected you — may now be the very things standing between you and the life you’re actually trying to build.
That’s worth looking at. Directly.
What It Feels Like to Meet Your Saboteurs
When I first took the assessment, I wasn’t surprised by the results. But I was surprised by how relieved I felt to see them named.
Because once something has a name, it stops being just “the way I am.” It becomes something I can actually work with.
My Pleaser shows up as a compulsive need to make sure everyone’s okay — often at the expense of what I actually need. My Avoider is sneakier. It masquerades as patience, as “picking my battles,” as this isn’t the right time. But really? It’s fear dressed up as wisdom.
Knowing this hasn’t made those voices disappear. But it has made me a lot faster at noticing when they’re driving versus when I am.
Take the Assessment — It Takes About 5 Minutes
The PQ Saboteur Assessment is free, and it’s genuinely one of the most clarifying things you can do in five minutes.
It will show you which saboteurs are most active in your mental patterns — and give you language for something you’ve probably been experiencing but maybe couldn’t quite articulate.
What Comes Next
The assessment is a starting point, not an endpoint. Knowing your saboteurs is useful. Learning to actually work with them — to build the mental fitness to catch them in real time and choose differently — that’s where real change happens.
That’s what PQ coaching is designed to do. And it’s the kind of work I love doing with clients, especially queer and trans folks who are done explaining themselves and ready to actually move.
Book a free consultation here →
Dean Rasmussen (he/they) is a queer trans life coach and PQ coach. He works with people who are ready to stop surviving and start building something that actually fits.
rasmussencoachingandconsulting.com
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