What Does a 10 Look Like? Why Your Best Life Doesn’t Have to Look Like Anyone Else’s.

One of my favourite questions to ask new coaching clients is this: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate different areas of your life?”

We talk about relationships, work, confidence, health, purpose, and whatever else feels important to them. Then I ask a second question: “What would make that a 10?”

That’s usually when the conversation changes. Not because people don’t want a 10. Because many of them can’t picture one.

We’ve Been Taught to Borrow Other People’s Dreams

For so much of our lives, we’re handed someone else’s definition of success. Get the degree. Get married. Buy the house. Have the kids. Build the career. Make more money. Look a certain way. Be productive. Be grateful. Keep going.

We’re taught to measure ourselves against milestones we may not have chosen in the first place. So when someone asks, “What does a 10 look like for you?” our first instinct is often to describe someone else’s life. But that’s not what I’m asking.

Your 10 Is Personal

Maybe your 10 is waking up excited instead of anxious, having friendships where you don’t feel like you’re performing, or setting boundaries without feeling guilty. Maybe it’s finally feeling comfortable in your own body, having work that leaves you energized instead of drained, or spending more evenings laughing than worrying.

Those things might not look impressive on social media. But if they create a life that feels authentic and fulfilling to you, they matter. Your 10 isn’t something you earn by meeting society’s expectations. It’s something you define.

Comparison Makes It Hard to See What’s Possible

One of the biggest obstacles to building a life you love is comparison. We scroll through carefully curated lives and assume everyone else has figured it out. We compare our beginning to someone else’s middle, our private struggles to someone else’s highlight reel.

Eventually, we stop asking ourselves what we actually want, and start asking ourselves whether we’re keeping up. That’s exhausting, and it often leads us further away from the life that’s actually right for us.

Especially If You’ve Spent Years Trying to Fit In

As a queer trans man, I know what it’s like to build a life around other people’s expectations. For years, I tried to become the version of myself that everyone else wanted me to be. I thought acceptance would come if I could just be enough. It didn’t.

The real shift happened when I stopped asking, “How do I become who everyone expects me to be?” and started asking, “Who am I when I’m no longer performing for approval?”

That question changed everything. Whether you’re queer, trans, or simply someone who’s spent years trying to make everyone else comfortable, you deserve the opportunity to answer that question for yourself.

Coaching Isn’t About Giving You My Definition of Success

People sometimes think coaching is about someone telling them what to do. That’s not how I coach. I’m not interested in helping you build my version of a 10, I’m interested in helping you discover yours.

Once you’re clear on what you’re actually working toward, your decisions become easier, your boundaries become clearer, and your confidence grows. You stop spending so much energy trying to live someone else’s life.

Here’s a Question for You

Imagine you woke up a year from now and your life felt like a genuine 10. Not Instagram’s version. Not your family’s version. Not your partner’s version. Yours.

What would be different? How would you feel? What would you stop doing? What would you finally give yourself permission to start?

Don’t worry about whether it sounds impressive, or whether anyone else would understand it. Just answer honestly. Because your 10 doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. It just has to feel like home.

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This Is the Exact Work We Do in Life on Your Terms

This “what’s your 10” question isn’t just something I ask in a first session, it’s built into the actual framework of Life on Your Terms. Awareness starts with getting honest about what you actually want, not what you were taught to want. Acceptance means letting that answer be true even if it doesn’t look like anyone else’s. And Action is where you start building toward it, one real step at a time.

If you’ve been living according to everyone else’s expectations, it can be hard to know what you actually want anymore. That’s exactly what this work is for.

If you’re ready to stop chasing someone else’s definition of success and start building your own version of a 10, I’d love to support you.