My partner Stephanie and I made a quiet decision at the start of last year. Not a resolution. Not a vision board moment. Just a decision between the two of us that we were going to start meaning what we said.
Yes when we meant yes. No when we meant no.
It sounds simple. It was not simple.
What Saying Yes Actually Cost Us Before
For a long time, yes was the path of least resistance. Yes to the event we didn’t want to attend. Yes to the obligation that left us drained. Yes to pouring time and energy into people who were, no matter what we did, determined to misunderstand us.
We weren’t saying yes because we wanted to. We were saying yes because it felt safer than the alternative. Because no felt selfish. Because no felt like it needed a reason, an explanation, an apology attached to it.
That kind of yes is exhausting. And it doesn’t actually protect the relationships you think it’s protecting. It just delays the resentment.
What the Nos Gave Us
When we started saying no and meaning it, something shifted.
No to opportunities that looked good on paper but felt wrong in our gut. No to giving our energy to spaces where we consistently had to shrink or over-explain ourselves. No to people who had already decided who we were and weren’t interested in the truth.
Those nos weren’t easy. Some of them were uncomfortable. A few of them cost us something. But every single one of them made room. Room for the right things to actually land.
When you stop filling your life with obligations you resented agreeing to, you start noticing what you actually want. That alone was worth the discomfort.
What the Yeses Brought Us
This is the part I love talking about.
The yeses we said this year, the ones we actually meant, brought us places we never could have planned for. Experiences that stretched us. Growth that surprised us. Opportunities that aligned with who we actually are instead of who we thought we were supposed to be.
Stephanie said yes to her dream. A permanent, inclusive indoor market and event space, Safe Haven Inclusive Market and Events. A yes that took courage and vision and the belief that it was actually possible. Watching that come to life is one of the most remarkable things I have ever witnessed.
I said yes to things in my own work that I had been circling around for years. To owning my story more fully. To showing up in rooms I wasn’t sure I belonged in. To believing that what I have to offer is worth offering.
None of that happens if we don’t start protecting our energy with the nos first.
The Thing Nobody Tells You
You cannot say a real yes until you are willing to say a real no.
That is the whole lesson. That is what a year of intentional choosing taught us.
When everything is a yes, nothing actually is. You’re just on autopilot, responding to whatever asks the most loudly. The yes that comes from a place of genuine desire or alignment is completely different from the yes that comes from guilt or fear or not wanting to disappoint someone.
Most of us were never taught the difference. We were taught to be agreeable. To be helpful. To show up even when it cost us. And for some of us, especially those of us who already feel like we have to work twice as hard just to be taken seriously, that conditioning runs deep.
Where We Are Now
We are still learning. We still second-guess ourselves. There are still moments where the old habit kicks in and yes comes out before we’ve even had a chance to check in with ourselves.
But we are more intentional than we were. And that intentionality has changed how we move through our work, our relationships, and our life together.
If you are exhausted by your own schedule, resentful of your own commitments, or running on empty while somehow always being available for everyone else, it might be worth asking yourself one honest question.
When did you last say no and actually mean it?
Because the yes you actually want to give is waiting on the other side of that answer.
Ready to take a closer look at what might be driving your yes when you mean no? Start with the free Saboteur Assessment.
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